


Erasure

by breatherepeat



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Gender Issues, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Relationship(s), Sexuality, Social Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-06-07 08:18:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6796453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breatherepeat/pseuds/breatherepeat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>During a live show, Dan goes silent.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Erasure

Suspiciously enough, Dan going mute during a live show was not planned. It was a typical YouNow chat with no specific topic or plan. Dan had been absent the week before due to an obligation and everyone figured Dan would have plenty to waffle about given the gap and danisnotonfire video that was uploaded two days prior. Dan did his typical "hello everybody" gag and read a few premiums before asking the chat how their day had been. After reading off a few of their responses, Dan froze mid-word and stopped speaking.

Dan sat on the screen and brushed his hair to the side with his finger. He continued to read their responses in his head and made no indication that he had stopped speaking.

At first, the viewers figured he was having internet issues or YouNow was just being a pain. After ten minutes of Dan still having clear video and background sounds, everyone began to become frustrated and argued about the cause in the chat.

Dan wasn't sure what was happening himself. He knew he still had the ability to speak and there was no medical concerns plaguing him. He physically felt well and there was no emotional turmoil causing his lack of speech.

Figuring he should do something to ease his viewers frustration, Dan held up a finger and covered the webcam with a old jumper.

Standing in his pajamas, Dan went into the lounge to seek Phil's help.

"End early?" Phil smiled from his spot on the sofa. He was researching random topics on the internet waiting for Dan to finish his live show so they could eat. Currently he was watching puppy prediction races and betting on which pup would win the races.

"I..." Dan surprised himself with his ability to speak. "I, um, so I told them I would be back. No, I didn't tell them. I just left them because I can't talk to them."

"Dan Howell at a loss for words? Alert the press!" Phil chuckled as he sat aside the MacBook and stood reaching for Dan. Stepping into his space, Phil wrapped his arms around Dan's lower back and gently swayed him. "Want me to bounce off some bants with?"

Giving him a quick kiss, Dan grabbed a table chair and told Phil to follow him.

Removing the jumper, Dan saw his view count had rose by 10,000 and the chat was scrolling fast. With the addition of Phil, the chat went even faster before somewhat calming down again.

"Hi guys!" Phil waved to the webcam before fixing his hair. Deciding not to re-open the wound of not owning a dog of their own, Phil told a white lie. "Dan forcefully removed me from my epic whale shark videos to join him. What are you all talking about?"

Dan went to answer Phil's question and again found himself unable to form words. Panicking, Dan closed his mouth and pulled on Phil's arm to get his attention.

"What?" Phil smiled at Dan as he removed his eyes from the chat. Finding Dan silent next to him, Phil stopped smiling confused. "Dan, what is going on? Is this a prank because I don't understand."

Phil saw the panic in Dan's eyes and the silent plea to do something. Squeezing his arm out of shot, with too much force, Dan leaned forward to whisper into Phil's ear, "Help me end this before I make more of a fool of myself."

Switching to business Phil, Phil laughed and turned to face the camera. "Dan lost his voice and is too embarrassed he will squeak if he tries to talk. Sorry, but we are going to end the live show."

After reading off some names as a good-bye, Phil stopped the broadcast and both waved as the stream cut off.

"What the fuck?" Dan rose from his chair and began to pace. "I've never just couldn't speak on camera. I literally could not form a word."

"Maybe this is just stress?" Phil directed Dan's nervous pacing into walking toward the kitchen. "Let's eat and watch a film. Afterward, early to bed and have a rest."

Nodding his reply, Dan allowed himself to become distracted by the food and some bedtime with Phil, pushing the YouNow incident into the corner of his head to analyze later.

 

Later turned out to be during the middle of the film. What if he could never speak again on camera? What would he do? Did he have some sort of stage fright after being on camera for years? Was he to hold up signs in his videos or, worse, have to spend extra time subtitling every video?

"Love," Phil paused the film and pressed on Dan's shoulder so Dan's would turn his head, which was resting on Phil's chest, toward him. "Want to talk?"

"Do you realize how much shit I'm going to get for not uploading if I have to subtitle every video?" Dan pushed himself up to sit on the edge of the sofa as the thoughts continued to rush through his head. "I will have to hire someone. But I can't, because..."

"Because Dan gives over control to no man." Phil went to reach for Dan but his hand caught air as Dan stood. "Well, except me."

"Phillip! I'm losing my career here and you are mummshsp." Dan was muffled by Phil's hand on his mouth.

Smiling as he hushed him, Phil counted to five before removing his hand. "You are catastrophizing the hell out of one mishap. There is no need to change career paths. Now, answer me this, watch the film or bed?"

"Can we look this up on WebMD or something? What if it is contagious?" Dan took a breath and smiled back at Phil. He was starting to see how foolish he was acting; however, he still wasn't ready to let it go.

"WebMD is banned and you know better mister! All your WebMD searches end up in requests to go to A&E." Phil kissed Dan's neck underneath his ear and then spoke into his ear. "Let's go to bed and I can think of something else to distract you."

"Maybe just a quick internet search?" Dan continued the conversation as he was lead down the hallway. "It could be the start of something serious and you want to wish it away with sex."

 

After two days of running through every possible scenario in his head, multiple times, Dan decided to give a live show another go. He tweeted he would do a show in three hours to make up for the disaster of the last one. In between the tweet and show, Dan attempted to distracted himself in every way possible. He even watered the plants and collected socks to add to his 'Phil Lost It, Dan Found It' pile.

Three minutes before the show, Dan texted Phil, who was waiting in his bedroom ready to watch the stream while Dan took the lounge, to come in within five minutes if it all fell apart again.

Starting the show, Dan smiled and gave a quick wave. The chat was already racing and asking all the questions Dan had been ignoring on Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, Instagram, etc. for the past two days.

Opening his mouth, Dan went to say 'hello' and only air came out. Laughing to himself, Dan shrugged his shoulders at the camera and waited for Phil.

The viewer count continued to increase despite the silence and Dan went to send Phil another text to just come in the room.

"Hello everyone! Fancy meeting you again like this!" Phil gave a goofy grin to the camera as he sat on the sofa. Rubbing the outside of his foot against Dan's foot, he quickly glanced at his husband and then went back to the chat. "Dan thought his voice was going to be better, but I guess you just get me this time. Maybe we can make this like charades?"

Listening to Phil answering some of the tamer viewer questions, Dan zoned out a bit. He had snuck on WebMD and a few other internet sites attempting to answer the question as to why he couldn't speak on camera. Many sites said it was anxiety or stress related. WebMD suggested contacting a physician to rule out any underlying issues. Phil caught him looking at the websites and stopped him before he made any calls.

Unlike speaking in person, Dan felt little to no anxiety when talking on camera. Sure, the first few videos had been nerve wracking but he got into the groove of speaking on camera long ago. He stressed about his content and whether things were going to be taken out of context, but he never felt anxiety to the point where words were lost on him.

Their home was his safe spot. Everything inside their walls was safe. Everything outside the walls he stressed about so it made no sense as to why he could not speak inside his own safe walls.

He half heard Phil talking about Dan watering the plants earlier and how it was a sure sign that Dan was coming around to loving the plants.

He loved many things inside their safe walls, the plants were not one of them.

He loved Phil.

It was safe to talk about his love of Star Wars and anime. It was safe to talk about his love of music and videogames.

Inside his own walls, it was safe to show his love for Phil.

Outside his own walls, it was not safe to show his love for Phil.

They never spoke about it on camera. Well, he spoke about not being gay, but that was a technicality. Being bisexual was not gay. Being omnisexual was not gay.

It was safe to say "I'm not gay." Safe because most people could then take it as, "I'm straight."

Sexuality was an odd concept to most people. He had heard the term bi-erasure or bisexual erasure many times over the years. He had many in-depth conversations over the years with his friends and anonymously with random people on the internet about the term. Also other non-heteronormative terms to describe sexuality. The gender conversation was also another topic he loved learning more about. He identified as a cisgender male omnisexual. If he was in a relationship with a man, did that make him gay? If he was in a relationship with a woman, would that make him straight? Since he married a man, was he then forever labeled as gay? If he fell in love with a genderqueer person, how would he label his sexuality? He was drawn to the androgynous aesthetic, was there another term for that?

"I'm omisexual." Dan interrupted Phil's story about the squirrels outside his bedroom window. "Let's talk about that."

"Dan?" Phil eyes widened and he kicked him in the same foot he had rubbed against to offer his comfort.

"I want to talk about it. I talk around it a lot." Dan locked eyes with Phil. "I want to talk about it."

After a long pause, with both Dan and Phil silently communicating with one another as the chat exploded, Phil turned to the camera. "I have always been confused by labels but I like the term pansexual."

"I like the term omnisexuality better than pansexual for some reason." Dan took Phil's hand out of shot and squeezed it three times. "Also, I love androgynous people. It fascinates me. The whole aesthetic, I have thought about gender and sexuality a lot lately. Maybe even more than when I first started noticing that I fancy men."

"Are we going all in here?" Phil softened his face and spoke to Dan, ignoring their stunned audience. The chat was moving too fast to even attempt to read it anyway.

"I mean, I think we have to." Dan smiled, still facing Phil as he raised their conjoined hands.

"So, that just happened." Phil lowered their hands, placing them in his lap and moving closer to Dan. Brushing against his side, Phil smiled to the camera. "There is no reading the chat right now, so everyone can spaz out and we will just continue talking."

"Let me just make note of this, no Phan is not real. Phan doesn't exist; therefore, it cannot be real. We have not lied about that." Dan brushed his hair to the side with his finger. "Dan and Phil, they are real and they are married. Two years come May."

"Sorry we didn't tell you sooner. Honestly, it was just easier to not say anything." Phil blushed yet kept eye contact with the camera.

"But now that it is out there, we don't want to talk about it all the time. But, it is important for this conversation. I don't want to be a spokesperson for civil rights but I believe this is an important conversation to have. No, we are not going to talk about our sex lives. No, we are not going to start vloging our daily life, we are both too lazy for that. No, this is not an open invitation to ask us all sorts of private and personal questions."

They continued their live show for a few more minutes and then decided it was best to let the information rest in their audience's minds for bit. They both knew it was a conversation they would have with their audience at some point. Apparently Dan's subconscious decided it was time to address the erasure.


End file.
